What You Should Know About The Erotic 

As a therapist in Fort Collins who specializes in female sexual therapy, I get a lot of questions about what happens during a typical session. There are a lot of misconceptions about what sex therapy is or is not. One of the main focuses is to  practice seeing ourselves as a sexual being, and not a sexual object that exists to fulfill someone else’s desires. Here’s what it looks like to reclaim your sexual self at Reflective Healing. 

Redefining sexual needs and desires

One goal of treating sexual concerns is for you to separate your own sexual identity and sexual energy from that of your partners needs or desires. That’s how disconnected we can get from our own sexual desires: even in a one-on-one therapy session, we think about our partner first. Connecting back to ourselves and having a healthy inquiry into what we find sensual and sexual is catalyst for the rest of the work we do in therapy.

We start this reconnection to our true selves by understanding the importance of redefining desire. Often, our sexual wants can come from wanting to please someone else. Together, we work on ways to redirect yourself into a more autonomous sexual experience and feeling. The goal is not to feel sexual to satisfy someone else’s needs; the goal is to enliven yourself in this point of your life, to bring energy and aliveness first to yourself, and then to others. Often, the journey to sexual connection with someone else is through our sexual connection with ourselves.

Deconstructing the narrative around sexuality.

Before we do any other work, we look at the narrative you have around your body’s ability to be sexual and to be seen as a sexual being. We focus on shifting your narrative from external to internal. Instead of seeing yourself from an outside point of view of being sexual, the goal is to help you focus on an internalized sexual experience, where you are embodied. Embodiment is the experience of being in one's own body and feeling through the body, rather than thinking with the mind. Embodiment is an essence that honors the body's intuitive nature and movement and allows for that to lead the way. You’re experiencing sexuality from inside of your body, and exploring your physical sense—sight, smell, touch, taste, what you hear. Building mindfulness to explore the sensual—not sexual, sensual—can help you reorient your sexual perspective from internal to external.

Noticing the sensual experience of eating, movement, smells—all of these are great ways to reestablish the difference between being an observer of your body and being in your body.

Here’s an exercise you can try now:

Hold an object in your hand. Notice how it feels. Rather than looking at it, close your eyes and try to notice where you can find sensual pleasure in a non-sexual sense. Pleasure is that which brings you a good feeling from the inside out. It’s not about how it looks; it’s how it feels.

Understanding how culture shapes sexuality.

In treating sexual concerns, health, and desires, we unpack the ways that sexual objectification—which people who are born into female bodies are exposed to as early as prepubescence – affects our understanding of sexuality. Body shame is also common among my clients. Many folks hold the narrative, promoted by our culture, that only thin, white, able bodies are allowed to be sexual.

This narrative is portrayed in our media, and is upheld by an internalized, white supremacist, and patriarchal narrative. We’ve internalized it, and then view our bodies—our brown bodies, heavy bodies, bodies without breasts, bodies with unique vaginas, bodies that are disabled, black bodies—as not enough. Not sexual. This message is then reinforced by the media, and we wonder why we have a low sex drive and low self-esteem. We’ve been dealt a bad hand, but this kind of therapy is a step of dismantling this. Throwing the cards on the table and finding a different game.

After we’ve confronted the patriarchy and redefined our desires? It may be time for you to go home and enjoy some mindful masturbation and ethical porn.

Mindful masturbation.

Mindful masturbation is a technique that I’ve established in my own practice as a tool to help you explore what types of touch arouses you. This process promotes sexual body awareness and strong focus on your physical response to touch, as well as if there is anything getting in the way of being with your physical self. This is a healing practice of actually feeling the sensations of being in your body and exploring touch.   

Ethical porn.

Sometimes, your homework is to go home and try out erotic videos and stories to investigate what creates arousal in you. Is it reading a story? Listening to a certain song? Watching a steamy movie sex scene? By finding external cues that illicit physical arousal, you can come back to your sexual self and understands what, if anything, turns you on. It’s a practice in learning that there is no shame in what we’re turned on by. (By the way—60% of heterosexual women described being aroused by lesbian pornography.)

I only recommend ethical porn. Afterglow, Erica Lust, and Make Love Not Porn are great sites to explore. Many of these sites are porn made for women, by women. You pay for the content, which demonstrates that you’re paying these actors for their work. Porn should not be free; if it’s free, you need to examine the ethics of where it’s coming from.

Shame around explicit media is also common. Giving yourself permission to notice your arousal, and then notice what feelings come up as arousal comes up, is an important part of the process. Is there shame? Excitement? Guilt? Fear? Mindfully journaling about your experience of arousal, both somatic and emotional, can help you build mindfulness and permission practices.

We all could benefit from sex therapy.

In our culture, we have a narrative that men’s arousal sparks female arousal. That’s not necessarily true. One ancient text from India suggests that the “sexual fire” begins in the feminine. And it's only in reference to that does the male fire of arousal get turned on—as a response to female arousal. So, sexual union can begin from the feminine energy starting it, and masculine energy responding to it. Having the feminine energy in the dyad, or triad, or group, be the one that's turned on first is what's going to spark the sexual energy throughout the experience.

Often, the journey to sexual connection with someone else is through our sexual connection with ourselves. Seeing ourselves as individual sexual beings, who are not objects for other people’s sexual desire. These are some ways to start rekindling the fire with your own mind and body. Sign up for the Reflective Healing newsletter or request a free consultation for more information on sex, sensuality, and intimacy.